Better Half

"With great power comes great micromanaging."

Wilson: "Did you know that close to one percent of the population identifies as asexual?"
House: "We have really got to get you laid. If I have to plow that furrow myself, so be it."
Wilson: "I have a patient who's asexual."
House: "Is she a giant pool of algae?"
Wilson: "It's a valid sexual orientation. According to this article, at least."
House: "Yeah, I think I read that, too. Is that Fugliness Weekly?"
Wilson: "She's perfectly fine-looking. Happily married for ten years."
House: "To a guy who loves penis enough for both of them."

Foreman: "There's no need to put him under. We can confirm fatty liver with an ultrasound. Just making an observation."
House: "Well done. Now, as a member of my team, you can make the equally useful observations that the sky is blue, I'm wearing pants . . . and I'm ignoring your first observation."

Foreman: "You're trying to screw with my confidence."
House: "If I wanted to do that, I'd tell you how much the nurses hate you."

"If marriage is feeding and cleaning someone, limiting conversation to repeating a few simple commands, then I was married to my pet rat, and a lot of people owe me wedding gifts."

"Lots of people don't have sex. The only people who don't want it are either sick, dead, or lying."

"Better to have schtupped and lost then never to have schtupped at all."

Wilson: "We can't smoke in here."
House: "We also can't summon people to the clinic based on a lie motivated by a petty bet. And yet it happens. It's an imperfect world."